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This is one of the best books I have ever read. Some books I read are entertaining, some are inspiring, some are educational, and some are life changing. This book has been life changing for me. I have purchased several copies that I have given as Christmas presents and plan to give some as wedding gifts as well.

Some of my favorite quotes are:

"We can treat our children fairly but if our hearts are warring toward them while we’re doing it, they won’t think they’re being treated fairly at all....As important as behavior is most problems at home, at work, and in the world are not failures of strategy but failures of way of being."

"We first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes toward others. If we can’t put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without."

"And we have seen how one warring heart invites more "object seeing" and warring in others."...."No one can force a warring heart upon us. When our hearts go to war, we ourselves have chosen it."

"Because when I betray myself I create within myself a new need-a need that causes me to see others accusingly, a need that causes me to care about something other than truth and solutions, and a need that invites others to do the same in response."

"As painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another."

"A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace."

"Whenever we need to be justified, anything that will give us justification will immediately take on exaggerated importance in our life. Self betrayal corrupts everything-even the value we place on things."

"the more sure I am that I’m right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself."

"Difficult people are nevertheless people, and it always remains in my power to see them that way."

"Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them."

"It isn’t so much what you did as what you invited."

"Because most who are trying to put an end to injustice only think of the injustices they believe they themselves have suffered. Which means that they are concerned not really with injustice but with themselves. They hide their focus on themselves behind the righteousness of their outward cause."

"It is not the sense of what to do but the desire to do it that’s at issue...When we have recovered those sensibilities towards others, we must act on them."

"You have the biggest influence in your children’s lives, so if we want to be a positive influence with your children we better have strong relationships with you."

"If we don’t get our hearts right, our strategies won’t matter. Once we get our hearts right, however, outward strategies matter a lot."

"Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others’. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others’ beliefs must be to them."

I love books written in story form that teach and change the way we look at the world. This is such a book. I love that you got to experience the change of heart of each person in the story and that your own heart is changed. I am trying to change the way I feel about myself and others and too look at everyone with love. I have a long road but I really feel this book has helped open a door.
My absolute favorite quote from the book is " Acts of self -betrayal such as those I've mentioned are so common they are almost ho-hum. But when we dig a little deeper, we discover something fascinating about self-betrayal". He looked around at the group." A choice to betray myself". he said "is a choice to go to war".
I have learned that my heart has been at war for a long time, with myself mostly so it reaches out to all around me. It stops us from seeing people as human and they become objects or other negative things. I like to remind myself that everyone is my bother or sister and we are all connected. Would I yell at my brother if I didn't get my way at a restaurant, I wouldn't, but if you look at that waiter as an object not giving you what you want you might yell. Not because you are a jerk but because your heart is at war and you don't know another way. I loved the justification boxes and will be studying those for a while I don't want to fall back into those boxes.
This was an awesome book and now I add to my prayers that my heart be a heart of peace not war.
If you liked this book you might like Zero Limits and Remembering Wholeness and You can Heal Your life.

I can't say enough about this book. I am a clergyperson and it was recommended by our Bishop. Somewhat reluctantly, I decided to read what I anticipated would be a boring book. I was very pleasantly surprised. The book is set in a two day seminar for parents whose "Problem" children are enrolled in a behavior modification program. That setting and the dialogue as people processed the material kept me interested initially. As I got into it more, I no longer needed that construct. I recommended the book to our book club and our members were unanimous in their praise of the book. When we came together we were all eager to share what we had learned and how we could see it applying in our lives. We decided that it would be great if we could engage more of our congregation in discussion of this book over a longer period of time. I purchased the kindle edition and my only concern about that is that it was difficult to read some of the diagrams. I found myself copying them into a notebook for quick reference. I am fairly certain that I will also purchase a hard copy of the book because it is a book that I think would be worth owning in hard form. I have recommended it to several other people and can easily imagine reading this book multiple times. The principles apply all across the spectrum of human relationships and situations.